It was like one minute I was standing in the light, a warm comforting light much like standing in a warm bright sunlight on a clear spring day. The next minute it was like someone turned off the lights and I was standing all alone in a deep unpreventable darkness. A darkness that reminded me off one of those carnival shows they have at the state fair every year. One of those tents where you walk in and all of a sudden it gets so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face. One day I was living what I thought was good life, a good job, active in my church, surrounded by many good friends or a least I thought so at the time, we'll get to that later, then the next minute all gone. One moment living in a good home the next sleeping in the back of my car. One moment a good job the next standing in line at the soup kitchen for my daily meal. One moment spending all my spare time working with my beloved church the next spending all my time at the local bar, on the days I could scrounge up enough money for beer. It didn't actually happen that fast it only seems that way now.
Funny how days that seem to last forever always seem to have flown by 2 days later. When you find yourself afraid of every thing that moves not because you are actually afraid of them but because you are afraid of living. The hardest thing to express is fear. Fear of life is even harder. Some days I find myself so afraid that if I walk out the door something horrible is going to happen. Hard to understand being so afraid of dying you become to afraid to live. When I first discovered something was wrong on the inside of me I had no idea what it was or who to turn to. As I said earlier it was at a prison ministry and a christian youth group that fear first raised its ugly head. My wonderful friend seemed to take pride in telling me that I must have done something wrong and this was Gods punishment. An old preacher I used to listen to in my youth used to say God save me from the Christians. I now understand what he was talking about. The bad part is what I didn't know was things were only going to get worse from here.
Memory is something that always amazes me. There are so many things about my life that I do not remember. I do remember however the first day I walked into that small bar on pass road. For a long time I thought that was the day every thing started to go bad. I blamed myself over and over for all the things that would follow and to some extent I still do. I am not now nor ever have been one to try to lay blame on everyone and everything but myself. As I have learned more about my condition and become more educated about mental illness I can look at myself in the mirror now without hollering at myself. some days are OK and some days are not, but I now know what the root cause is and take medication. Tomorrow We will continue on this journey into yesterday. My therapist tells me that this is good for me and I figure what harm can it do. See you guys on the morrow.
Funny how days that seem to last forever always seem to have flown by 2 days later. When you find yourself afraid of every thing that moves not because you are actually afraid of them but because you are afraid of living. The hardest thing to express is fear. Fear of life is even harder. Some days I find myself so afraid that if I walk out the door something horrible is going to happen. Hard to understand being so afraid of dying you become to afraid to live. When I first discovered something was wrong on the inside of me I had no idea what it was or who to turn to. As I said earlier it was at a prison ministry and a christian youth group that fear first raised its ugly head. My wonderful friend seemed to take pride in telling me that I must have done something wrong and this was Gods punishment. An old preacher I used to listen to in my youth used to say God save me from the Christians. I now understand what he was talking about. The bad part is what I didn't know was things were only going to get worse from here.
Memory is something that always amazes me. There are so many things about my life that I do not remember. I do remember however the first day I walked into that small bar on pass road. For a long time I thought that was the day every thing started to go bad. I blamed myself over and over for all the things that would follow and to some extent I still do. I am not now nor ever have been one to try to lay blame on everyone and everything but myself. As I have learned more about my condition and become more educated about mental illness I can look at myself in the mirror now without hollering at myself. some days are OK and some days are not, but I now know what the root cause is and take medication. Tomorrow We will continue on this journey into yesterday. My therapist tells me that this is good for me and I figure what harm can it do. See you guys on the morrow.
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