What's the Use

      I remember laying down in the back of the ambulance and starring at the inside of the roof and wondering, what is the use, what is the purpose of living if I was only going to live my life as a alcoholic and drug addict.  You see, life as a alcoholic or drug addict is a life of pain. The biggest problem is that we never realize that the pain is a shared pain. We are so caught up in ourselves and what we are dealing with, we never take a minute to look and see the pain in the faces of those around us. I never realized the pain and anguish that I was causing to the ones that cared deeply for me. I never took the time to really look and see what my life was doing to the ones that loved me. I have come to realize that at some level, at some point in time I had begun to believe that since I did not care about myself, there was no way anyone else could possibly care about me. That since there was no love in my heart for another human being, no human being had any love for me in their heart. It would take a long time before I realized how wrong I was.
      When we finally arrived at our destination I had no ides where I was. I was about to have my first experience in a mental lock-down ward. Now you can set there and try to imagine what it's like and even listen to someone try to describe it, but you will never be prepared for the experience. They took me into this building, took me upstairs and locked me in a windowless room, never letting me off the gurney. I laid there for what seemed like hours staring at the ceiling and trying to count the cracks. I don't think I could have counted all them if they had left me there for a hundred years. The worse part was the smell. It was a combination of vomit. urine and someone that hadn't bathed in two to three weeks. If you have ever been in a port-a-potty that hadn't been serviced for a long time, the room I was in was worse. After a couple of hours of laying there and trying not to breath a large man, I mean extremely obese when I say large, and smelling very much like the room I was in, came in and I had my very first experience with Thorazine.
      Thorazine is a drug given to mental patients to calm them down and give the Doctors and Nurses control over the patients, or so that's what they tell us. It actually is a drug that makes the world stop. Clocks stop ticking, the earth stops rotating, people stop moving, but most importantly the person that has been injected with it stops living. Not in the final, no breathing, heart stopped pumping, stopped living way. In the nothing matters, I'll just set here and stare out the window forever way. Nothing matters, life is on hold, and the world is far, far away. Tomorrow does not exist.

How Far is Tomorrow: Who Knew.

How Far is Tomorrow: Who Knew.:             In The Hobbit, one of my favorites, Bilbo writes a book which he tittles "There and Back Again". He is describing a journey he h...

Who Knew.

            In The Hobbit, one of my favorites, Bilbo writes a book which he tittles "There and Back Again". He is describing a journey he had recently take that involved Goblins, Orc's and Dragons. Sounds just like the journey I have been on these last few years. I stopped writing this blog almost exactly 1 year ago to the day. I discovered that the more I wrote the more vivid the memories became and soon after I started writing about my past experiences with addiction and depression the more depressed I became. Soon after I began this the goblins, orc's and dragons began to show up again and here I am, just like Bilbo, There and Back again. Who knew? When you are lost in depression and you try find your way with drugs and alcohol you only become more lost. Once you start walking the wrong way, convincing yourself you are going the right way, you become more lost, and more lost, and more lost. When I was last here I was writing about my first experience with the VA mental health facility. I sometimes wonder if being in a place like that is easier than living in the real world. The known verses the unknown. At least I know where the monsters are when i am locked up in a mental health facility. In the real world i never can tell where the monsters are going to come from. I never know if what I am seeing is real or am I looking through the lenses of addiction and depression.

           After my last post I found myself looking face to face with the monsters. I had forgotten what they looked like and they fooled me, made me think they were old friends I had not seen for a long time. I soon discovered that they had never left and were waiting to show their ugly heads again. The goblins ( alcohol ) showed up first, and as soon as they had  made their way back in, the orc's ( drugs ) came a'knocking. The problem is that when we let our guard down they know and they know us well enough, that they are able to disguise themselves into something they are not, Old Friends.

           Now, the big guy, the dragon (Depression). The problem with the dragon is that he is so big, so ferocious, that all our attention is so focused on him we forget about what we believe to be the small monsters and that is exactly the way he wants it to be. We watch him with all our energy and while we are preoccupied with his largeness the goblins and orc's sneak up behind us and attack when we are at our lowest point. I have found it amazing how I can go so long without  any trouble, sometimes years, and all of a sudden their I am right back in a battle for my very soul. Sometimes even when things are going good I set and wonder when will it start this time. How much medication do I need to take to keep the dragon in his cave. I have learned that the smaller monsters alcohol and drugs are cowards and only come out if the dragon is loose. I do not know much but I know that I am going to give this another try. Back when I first started writing this blog it was the only light in my life and I hope and pray that light still shines. Till tomorrow.