So I have had my first experience with depression, if this is your first time here it would be a good idea to read the posting prior to this one, the only problem is I have not yet realized that it is depression I am dealing with. My mind is still stuck in the past, the past that tells me I can not be suffering from mental disease because I'm not locked up in any mental institution. My past tells me it must be something else. I keep telling myself that it is probably being locked in a room with a bunch of violent men that triggered this moment where I froze up. Some pent up fear that was laying dormant like a bear hibernating in the winter waiting for that perfect moment to rise up and announce its presence to the world. Maybe there was a hidden fear of where I was that had been in hiding just waiting to rear up and say here I am and there is nothing you can do about it. i convinced myself that must be it. So what do I do now. The one and only thing I could think of was to jump back in. What I don't realize is the many other signs that are screaming at me like a mother who screams when she first sees her child in trouble. I have since nothing is so blinding, nothing is so deafening than the past. Nothing keeps the world living in ignorance like the past. It can cover the present, it can cloak the future, it can be like a large chain tied around our bodies preventing us from new knowledge and new learning. Don't believe me, ask the next person you meet about Mental Illness and what it means and you will see that the majority of the people in this country still live in the 60's and 70's. I must admit, if I was not having my own battle with depression I would still believe mental illness was something that affected only a few people and they where locked up in a home somewhere. I used to think, like 8 out of 10 in this country do, that depression was something that happened to a person when an event like a divorce or death caused that person to feel sad and they would get over it sooner or later.
I remember about 2 or 3 days after my experience at the prison I had all but forgotten it. The following Thursday night I was to speak to a youth group at a local church. Beside speaking every Sunday at the county jail I would also speak at various youth groups around the local area. Speaking to young men and women was a responsibility I took very serious. On this particular Thursday evening I had prepared what I thought was a very good presentation. I had read and reread, rehearsed over and over and was really excited about standing in front of a group of young men and young women. When it was my time to speak I swiftly stood up, I now realize I was in a hurry to prove my previous problem just a one time thing, I walked swiftly to the stage, and started up the short stairway to the podium. I walked right up to that podium, set my notes down happy that every thing was back to normal. I looked out over the audience to see a group of eager faces ready to here what I had for them, I had spoken to this particular group on several occasions, And as soon as I opened my mouth I froze. Like a statue I stood there. So overcome with fear I could barely utter a word. I immediately turned around a walked back down the steps and proceeded to leave through the back door. Now it had happened twice. The big problem however was I still did not recognize what was happening.What would happen next would shape my life for a very long time. That however is for another day.
