I often wonder how I would react if I was every to wake up and find myself normal again. What is normal anyway, maybe i am normal and everyone else is nuts. I don't know if normal is something to wish for or something to hide from. I watch all the NORMAL people walk around everyday and ask myself is this what I used to be like. I guess the saying, you never know how much you miss something until you loose it. It's the freedom from fear that I miss. I was watching a show on TV about the deeps of the Pacific Ocean and they showed these fish with these huge eyes. These particular fish live at the bottom of the ocean and over time have mutated to be able to see in the dark of the deep ocean. They said if one of these fish were to make it to the surface they would not be able to survive. They have lived in the dark so long they would not be able to live in the dark. I wonder if I have that same problem. Have I lived in the deeps for so long I will not be able to survive if I ever make make it to the surface. Do I cling on to the dark like and old friend because it has been with me for so long.
Sitting in that dark, smelly bar for the first time I remember thinking to myself , is it always this dark in here? What a perfect description of life, walking out of a nice, warm, sunny day into a dark den of sadness. have you ever walked into a small local dive and really looked at the faces of the people that frequent the place. Faces filed with loneliness, hurt, and pain hiding behind alcohol and drug created smiles. What makes us believe that alcohol and drugs will make better will make all the pain go away. The crazy part is that we keep trying over and over again even when we know it does not work. I thought if I drank enough my fear of crowds would disappear. I forgot to mention that in a very short period of time my fear of standing in front of a crowd turned into a raging fear of any crowds. I found myself avoiding any gathering of humans without even realizing what I was doing. It was at a Super Walmart at 2:30 in the morning that I realized what I was doing. I was doing my weekly grocery shopping and I stopped and looked around and noticed I was practically alone. I had never done any shopping at 2:30 in my life. At first I thought it was my new found fondness for beer that was the cause. Later I would discover it was something much worse.
Sitting in that dark, smelly bar for the first time I remember thinking to myself , is it always this dark in here? What a perfect description of life, walking out of a nice, warm, sunny day into a dark den of sadness. have you ever walked into a small local dive and really looked at the faces of the people that frequent the place. Faces filed with loneliness, hurt, and pain hiding behind alcohol and drug created smiles. What makes us believe that alcohol and drugs will make better will make all the pain go away. The crazy part is that we keep trying over and over again even when we know it does not work. I thought if I drank enough my fear of crowds would disappear. I forgot to mention that in a very short period of time my fear of standing in front of a crowd turned into a raging fear of any crowds. I found myself avoiding any gathering of humans without even realizing what I was doing. It was at a Super Walmart at 2:30 in the morning that I realized what I was doing. I was doing my weekly grocery shopping and I stopped and looked around and noticed I was practically alone. I had never done any shopping at 2:30 in my life. At first I thought it was my new found fondness for beer that was the cause. Later I would discover it was something much worse.
2 comments:
I'm here. I have double depression- chronic with major (temporary) on top. I've been in this bout for about two months now. I was looking for someone to "talk" to. No one has read my blog, which depresses me further. So I wanted you to know that I paid you a "visit".
Great...apparently the settings were geared toward my husband's account. The last comment was mine. 'Sorry I messed it up. Let me see if I can switch it over...
Post a Comment