Gateway To Nowhere

              I've heard that alcohol is not a gateway drug. I figured it must have been someone who either had never had a problem with addiction or someone in the middle of addiction who started this romor and rumor is what it is. you have to ask yourself what lead to the problem in the first place. If, as most alcoholics do, the reason for drinking in the first place is to cover up something such as pain, loneliness, a feeling of no self worth , or fear believe me when I say it will not be long before alcohol will not be enough. It's like covering a hole with a thin blanket and as the storms come and the wind blows sooner or later the blanket starts to tear and small holes appear. As we try to cover these holes we just can't keep up with the storms and larger and larger holes begin to appear and when we realize the covering we are using is no longer strong enough we reach for something stronger. I am the hole, Deppression is my storm, drugs and alcohol is my blanket

             I often wonder how many of those society classifies as addicts are people suffering from mental illness. The bigger question is how many of them are even aware they suffer from mental illness. I had no idea I suffered from depression until my primary care physician told me and no idea how severe until I visited the Mental Health Facility at the VA.  My next question would be if they did know and found a treatment that worked would they still be addicts. I mean if you filled the hole would you still need the blanket. How many people go through 12 step programs and rehab programs that only repair the blanke and does nothing to fill the hole. I have fallen off the wagon so many times I finally stoped trying to get back on. Was afraid I'd get run over by one of the wheels.
           I remember when alcohol was no longer enough to cover the hole. I started with pot and was snorting coke before to long. Being high was the only way I could go out in public and have what I thought was a good time. I believed what I was doing was normal because all the people I was now hanging around with doing it. You know, going along with the crowd. I know now that the people I was hanging around with werejust as messed up as I was. People who were lonely, people who were afraid of life. I think the thing that attracted me o this crowd was the fact nobody asked questions. If I went to a party and sat in the corner by myself nobody would ask any questions. I think the ዎርሰ day in my life was the day someone introduced me to crack cocaine. What I thought was bad was about to get a whole lot worse. Depression is a master at hiding behind alcohol and drugs ad I believe it is depression that opens the gate. Depression is the gateway that leads to nowhere.