Who Knew.

            In The Hobbit, one of my favorites, Bilbo writes a book which he tittles "There and Back Again". He is describing a journey he had recently take that involved Goblins, Orc's and Dragons. Sounds just like the journey I have been on these last few years. I stopped writing this blog almost exactly 1 year ago to the day. I discovered that the more I wrote the more vivid the memories became and soon after I started writing about my past experiences with addiction and depression the more depressed I became. Soon after I began this the goblins, orc's and dragons began to show up again and here I am, just like Bilbo, There and Back again. Who knew? When you are lost in depression and you try find your way with drugs and alcohol you only become more lost. Once you start walking the wrong way, convincing yourself you are going the right way, you become more lost, and more lost, and more lost. When I was last here I was writing about my first experience with the VA mental health facility. I sometimes wonder if being in a place like that is easier than living in the real world. The known verses the unknown. At least I know where the monsters are when i am locked up in a mental health facility. In the real world i never can tell where the monsters are going to come from. I never know if what I am seeing is real or am I looking through the lenses of addiction and depression.

           After my last post I found myself looking face to face with the monsters. I had forgotten what they looked like and they fooled me, made me think they were old friends I had not seen for a long time. I soon discovered that they had never left and were waiting to show their ugly heads again. The goblins ( alcohol ) showed up first, and as soon as they had  made their way back in, the orc's ( drugs ) came a'knocking. The problem is that when we let our guard down they know and they know us well enough, that they are able to disguise themselves into something they are not, Old Friends.

           Now, the big guy, the dragon (Depression). The problem with the dragon is that he is so big, so ferocious, that all our attention is so focused on him we forget about what we believe to be the small monsters and that is exactly the way he wants it to be. We watch him with all our energy and while we are preoccupied with his largeness the goblins and orc's sneak up behind us and attack when we are at our lowest point. I have found it amazing how I can go so long without  any trouble, sometimes years, and all of a sudden their I am right back in a battle for my very soul. Sometimes even when things are going good I set and wonder when will it start this time. How much medication do I need to take to keep the dragon in his cave. I have learned that the smaller monsters alcohol and drugs are cowards and only come out if the dragon is loose. I do not know much but I know that I am going to give this another try. Back when I first started writing this blog it was the only light in my life and I hope and pray that light still shines. Till tomorrow.