Will We Ever Get There?

         I have always thought depression was something that made someone sad and how sad depended on how bad the depression was. I have learned this is not the case. I have learned depression is a illness just like any other illness. It comes in many different is is an expert at masking itself. It is believed that 1 out every 5 people in the United States suffer from some form of depression. Sometimes it is short lived and some times it last a lifetime. I can remember a time when standing in front of a crowd, large or small did not bother me at all. As a matter of fact I used to speak to groups of people, (some large, some small) on a weekly basis. Not to brag but I considered myself pretty good at it. I point to the fact that they kept asking me back. Back then I was involved in a prison ministry and would spend every Sunday afternoon at the county prison. This particular county prison held about 1300 inmates. It was something I enjoyed very much and use to look forward to all week. This particular prison was divided into 4 parts which they called blocks. A block, B block, C block, and D block. B block was where the violent felons and had been closed off to the prison ministry for 15 years. One Sunday  right before the service was about to start the prison chaplain called me over and asked me if I was interested in going into cell block B. Seems the warden was impressed with what I was doing and decided to open cell block B to the prison ministry. I said of course and remember how excited I was. From that point on every Sunday I would go into cell block B to hold services. It was the most rewarding time of my life. Every thing seemed to be going great until one Sunday I got up in front of the prisoners, about 75, and I was terrified. I could not move, I could not speak, it was like I was frozen. What I was terrified of I could not tell you, I just remember this feeling of complete dread. I said a few words I'm sure nobody could understand and got out of there as fast as I could. This was the first time I knew something was wrong, and thus began my journey of living life with depression. I'm sharing this and will continue to each day in the hope that if someone is suffering as I was and have not been able to figure out what's wrong, this will help them seek the help they need. There are many out there willing to help and I believe education about this sickness will help more than anything else. Have a good night I'll see ya later.

I Think I Missed It.

         I don't think a day goes by that I don't ask myself that question, how far is tomorrow. Some days it seems so far away that no matter how fast or how long I drive I'll never get there. Some days tomorrow seems like it's just around the corner, and some days it's like a little small town you sometimes drive through and your past it before you even knew you where there. Many many days I wake up and discover that tomorrow has become yesterday and I must have had my eyes closed because I missed it altogether. You see I suffer with Major Depression and according to my doctors I have for a very long time. Sometimes I think they tell me that just so they can make me more appointments ans subscribe more medications. That way they can justify there jobs. Most days however, I know what they tell me is true. Most people think that depression is something that makes someone sad and makes people think about suicide.  In some cases like mine it is completely the opposite. Before I talk about that I want to go back a little. growing up mental illness was one of those words you used to mask something else. Whenever you heard the words mental illness to describe someone that meant that person was crazy. When I was very young i lived in a neighborhood that had a place that was built much like an apartment complex is today. I remember asking my father what that place was and he told me it was the crazy house. Back then places of this sort were commonly referred to as the crazy house or the nut house.  So I grew up believing if someone was mentally ill that meant they were crazy or as we use to say retarded. So in my mind if someone suffered from mental illness that meant they went to live at a crazy house and if someone didn't live at one of those places that meant there was nothing wrong with them. I believe that it was these ideas that was planted into my head that caused me to go so long before I decided to see a doctor. I have decided to set down and write this blog in the hope that if there is anyone like me they will take something from this and come to understand there is hope. Many days I sit here in this small apartment in the middle of Texas to afraid to walk to the door, open it up and walk outside.I sit on my couch sometimes with the tv on sometimes without. Sometimes I can sit for days by myself no tv no radio no computer and just stare at the door. I sit there wondering about whats on the other side. I think I know how Alice felt when she was staring through the looking glass wondering what's on the other side. I listen to the cars go by, the people walk by, searching for the courage to get up and walk outside. What is it I'm so afraid of. Now that I know i can talk about it however that is for another nite.