Hard to describe what today feels like. This is one of those days when tomorrow seems so far, far away. Had one of those attacks this morning where fear of the outside world took over. It's hard to describe but it feels like the world is on fire and if I step outside I will be burned alive. Every time I get close to the door I feel these small needles poking into my skin, feels like rubbing a Brillo pad across my arm. The new medication my doctor gave me makes me want to get up and move around but does nothing for the depression and the parts of my mind it controls. I have had a difficult time lately with a lack of energy. For those of you not familiar with severe depression and think like I used to, that depression was only when you were sad about something, one of the effects of Severe Depression is a lack of energy, a lack of any desire to get up and accomplish anything. There are also quite a few more problems depression causes both mental and physical but we will not get into them just yet. Anyway my doctor thought it might be a good idea to boost me up a little so she decided to subscribe a new medication that does just that. The problem however, she didn't take into account the panic attacks that seem to come more often these days. So here I am full of get up and go in the middle of a panic attack. Sometimes they will last for 3-4 days, hope not this time.
Most people think that when you suffer from and attack like this suicide what I think about, to be honest there has been a couple of times when that was true. I've been locked up three times in a psychiatric hospital with my belt and shoe laces taken away from me. The first time they kept me in the emergency room for almost two days before they shipped me off to the loony bin. One thing everyone needs to know about me is I am not politically correct, and I no longer harbour thoughts of suicide. Now I know the disease I suffer with and accept it for what it is. I understand everyday is a battle and some days are better than others. At the beginning though I was ignorant to my condition and ignorant to Severe Depression and the problems it causes. As I talked about yesterday I had turned to drugs to try to fill the hole that was inside of me and when crack cocaine and meth took every thing I owned and left me standing in the street that cold February night I thought life was over. At that moment in time I looked for life in me and found none. I was a dead man walking around looking for a place to lay down. Thank God for family and friends and a couple of good paramedics.
When I say crack cocaine and meth to every thing away from me I do not mean to lay the blame on anything but myself. In my journey through the world of the homeless in the United States I encountered to many how blamed everyone and everything but themselves. On the the thing that contributed the most to my trip to the loony farm was my blaming nothing but myself. I believed that if I was so weak as to loose everything to drug addiction I did not deserve to live. Anyone who blow it all just to get high was worthless, or so I thought. I have since learned to forgive myself and although I still blame myself a great deal for how my life has turned out I now know that depression had a lot to do with it. Tomorrow we will get into that first trip to the farm and see the world of the mentally ill from the inside. See you guys there.
Most people think that when you suffer from and attack like this suicide what I think about, to be honest there has been a couple of times when that was true. I've been locked up three times in a psychiatric hospital with my belt and shoe laces taken away from me. The first time they kept me in the emergency room for almost two days before they shipped me off to the loony bin. One thing everyone needs to know about me is I am not politically correct, and I no longer harbour thoughts of suicide. Now I know the disease I suffer with and accept it for what it is. I understand everyday is a battle and some days are better than others. At the beginning though I was ignorant to my condition and ignorant to Severe Depression and the problems it causes. As I talked about yesterday I had turned to drugs to try to fill the hole that was inside of me and when crack cocaine and meth took every thing I owned and left me standing in the street that cold February night I thought life was over. At that moment in time I looked for life in me and found none. I was a dead man walking around looking for a place to lay down. Thank God for family and friends and a couple of good paramedics.
When I say crack cocaine and meth to every thing away from me I do not mean to lay the blame on anything but myself. In my journey through the world of the homeless in the United States I encountered to many how blamed everyone and everything but themselves. On the the thing that contributed the most to my trip to the loony farm was my blaming nothing but myself. I believed that if I was so weak as to loose everything to drug addiction I did not deserve to live. Anyone who blow it all just to get high was worthless, or so I thought. I have since learned to forgive myself and although I still blame myself a great deal for how my life has turned out I now know that depression had a lot to do with it. Tomorrow we will get into that first trip to the farm and see the world of the mentally ill from the inside. See you guys there.
1 comment:
Kenny, thanks so much for your posts. It's amazing how different depression is in reality from everyone's preconceived notions. I've struggled with depression myself (mostly when I was younger) and it completely changed my understanding of depression and mental illness. Each person's story is different, but it certainly has helped me to talk about my own experiences. My prayers are with you in the rest of your journey.
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