A Walk Through Tomorrow

              If your not already depressed try moving. I just finished moving from Texas back home to Alabama. Funny, I how the place we grew up will always be home. I haven't lived in Alabama in 25 years yet it will aways be home. Maybe it's because most of my family still lives here or maybe it's because most of my fondest memories are here moving threw the trees like a sow fog. Seems to me that the older I get to more I cling to those memories of my youth. The days I thought I had something to worry about, the days that I used to think were going b to slowly. How I long for the days of hanging out at the standard gas station on Friday and Saturday night. The days of swimming in the pond just off that old country dirt road,but mostly the days when the word depression was meant for someone else.
             I was looking at a picture of myself this morning. I was 4 years old according to the writing on the back. I do not remember taking that picture but I could from the background that I was in my Grandparents backyard. I don't remember ever looking in a mirror and seeing that 4 year old face looking back at me. I noticed however,  a smile on my face that I do remember.  It was a smile that spoke of a time in my life that said all is right in the world, a smile that said the world is mine to conquer. Then my mind was drawn back to that group of young men and women and my new found discovery that all of a sudden I was scared to death of standing in front of crowds. Little did I know that this new discovery was just the beginning of a journey thru a darkness that few experience. A journey of alcohol, drugs, and homelessness.
           For a long time I thought the homeless was just something you saw on TV. Growing up in a small rural town in central Alabama homelessness was not something I had any experience with. This was something that only happen in the large cities in this country. A had a stereotypical few of the homeless as a old white male, long dirty white or grey hair, long unkempt greying beard, torn dirty rags as clothes. I could vision this person lying in a alley somewhere with a empty bottle of cheap wine. I would learn that it's mental illness that most homeless people suffer with. I now know that my struggles with alcohol and drug addictions was a direct result of my mental illness. I am happy to finally finish my moving and am trying to get accustomed to the changes that have occured in the last 25 years. I have learned that sometimes a walk through yesterday is what I need to get through today. Now that I have move I can return to writing about my struggle with severe depression and I hope you will make this walk with me. Till next time.

How Far is Tomorrow - In a Land Far Away

          So I have had my first experience with depression, if this is your first time here it would be a good idea to read the posting prior to this one, the only problem is I have not yet realized that it is depression I am dealing with. My mind is still stuck in the past, the past that tells me I can not be suffering from mental disease because I'm not locked up in any mental institution. My past tells me it must be something else. I keep telling myself that it is probably being locked in a room with a bunch of violent men that triggered this moment where I froze up. Some pent up fear that was laying dormant like a bear hibernating in the winter waiting for that perfect moment to rise up and announce its presence to the world. Maybe there was a hidden fear of where I was that had been in hiding just waiting to rear up and say here I am and there is nothing you can do about it. i convinced myself that must be it. So what do I do now. The one and only thing I could think of was to jump back in. What I don't realize is the many other signs that are screaming at me like a mother who screams when she first sees her child in trouble. I have since nothing is so blinding, nothing is so deafening than the past. Nothing keeps the world living in ignorance like the past. It can cover the present, it can cloak the future, it can be like a large chain tied around our bodies preventing us from new knowledge and new learning.  Don't believe me, ask the next person you meet about Mental Illness and what it means and you will see that the majority of the people in this country still live in the 60's and 70's. I must admit, if I was not having my own battle with depression I would still believe mental illness was something that affected only a few people and they where locked up in a home somewhere. I used to think, like 8 out of 10 in this country do, that depression was something that happened to a person when an event like a divorce or death caused that person to feel sad and they would get over it sooner or later.
          I remember about 2 or 3 days after my experience at the prison I had all but forgotten it. The following Thursday night I was to speak to a youth group at a local church. Beside speaking every Sunday at the county jail I would also speak at various youth groups around the local area. Speaking to young men and women was a responsibility I took very serious. On this particular Thursday evening I had prepared what I thought was a very good presentation. I had read and reread, rehearsed over and over and was really excited about standing in front of a group of young men and young women. When it was my time to speak I swiftly stood up, I now realize I was in a hurry to prove my previous problem just a one time thing, I walked swiftly to the stage, and started up the short stairway to the podium. I walked right up to that podium, set my notes down happy that every thing was back to normal. I looked out over the audience to see a group of eager faces ready to here what I had for them, I had spoken to this particular group on several occasions, And as soon as I opened my mouth I froze. Like a statue I stood there. So overcome with fear I could barely utter a word. I immediately turned around a walked back down the steps and proceeded to leave through the back door.  Now it had happened twice. The big problem however was I still did not recognize what was happening.What would happen next would shape my life for a very long time. That however is for another day.

Will We Ever Get There?

         I have always thought depression was something that made someone sad and how sad depended on how bad the depression was. I have learned this is not the case. I have learned depression is a illness just like any other illness. It comes in many different is is an expert at masking itself. It is believed that 1 out every 5 people in the United States suffer from some form of depression. Sometimes it is short lived and some times it last a lifetime. I can remember a time when standing in front of a crowd, large or small did not bother me at all. As a matter of fact I used to speak to groups of people, (some large, some small) on a weekly basis. Not to brag but I considered myself pretty good at it. I point to the fact that they kept asking me back. Back then I was involved in a prison ministry and would spend every Sunday afternoon at the county prison. This particular county prison held about 1300 inmates. It was something I enjoyed very much and use to look forward to all week. This particular prison was divided into 4 parts which they called blocks. A block, B block, C block, and D block. B block was where the violent felons and had been closed off to the prison ministry for 15 years. One Sunday  right before the service was about to start the prison chaplain called me over and asked me if I was interested in going into cell block B. Seems the warden was impressed with what I was doing and decided to open cell block B to the prison ministry. I said of course and remember how excited I was. From that point on every Sunday I would go into cell block B to hold services. It was the most rewarding time of my life. Every thing seemed to be going great until one Sunday I got up in front of the prisoners, about 75, and I was terrified. I could not move, I could not speak, it was like I was frozen. What I was terrified of I could not tell you, I just remember this feeling of complete dread. I said a few words I'm sure nobody could understand and got out of there as fast as I could. This was the first time I knew something was wrong, and thus began my journey of living life with depression. I'm sharing this and will continue to each day in the hope that if someone is suffering as I was and have not been able to figure out what's wrong, this will help them seek the help they need. There are many out there willing to help and I believe education about this sickness will help more than anything else. Have a good night I'll see ya later.

I Think I Missed It.

         I don't think a day goes by that I don't ask myself that question, how far is tomorrow. Some days it seems so far away that no matter how fast or how long I drive I'll never get there. Some days tomorrow seems like it's just around the corner, and some days it's like a little small town you sometimes drive through and your past it before you even knew you where there. Many many days I wake up and discover that tomorrow has become yesterday and I must have had my eyes closed because I missed it altogether. You see I suffer with Major Depression and according to my doctors I have for a very long time. Sometimes I think they tell me that just so they can make me more appointments ans subscribe more medications. That way they can justify there jobs. Most days however, I know what they tell me is true. Most people think that depression is something that makes someone sad and makes people think about suicide.  In some cases like mine it is completely the opposite. Before I talk about that I want to go back a little. growing up mental illness was one of those words you used to mask something else. Whenever you heard the words mental illness to describe someone that meant that person was crazy. When I was very young i lived in a neighborhood that had a place that was built much like an apartment complex is today. I remember asking my father what that place was and he told me it was the crazy house. Back then places of this sort were commonly referred to as the crazy house or the nut house.  So I grew up believing if someone was mentally ill that meant they were crazy or as we use to say retarded. So in my mind if someone suffered from mental illness that meant they went to live at a crazy house and if someone didn't live at one of those places that meant there was nothing wrong with them. I believe that it was these ideas that was planted into my head that caused me to go so long before I decided to see a doctor. I have decided to set down and write this blog in the hope that if there is anyone like me they will take something from this and come to understand there is hope. Many days I sit here in this small apartment in the middle of Texas to afraid to walk to the door, open it up and walk outside.I sit on my couch sometimes with the tv on sometimes without. Sometimes I can sit for days by myself no tv no radio no computer and just stare at the door. I sit there wondering about whats on the other side. I think I know how Alice felt when she was staring through the looking glass wondering what's on the other side. I listen to the cars go by, the people walk by, searching for the courage to get up and walk outside. What is it I'm so afraid of. Now that I know i can talk about it however that is for another nite.